Closure

I had a friend tell me that I'm in a position that most girls wish they were in. To have someone from my past come back and apologize for all the shit that they put me through. But, I have to wonder, did I really need it?  This apology came almost 2 1/2 years after everything had gone down, so it made me think that there was some underlying reason behind it. After all, he has never given a reason to believe that this is a sincere apology, especially since he has apologized to me before and it turned out to be all lies.

To be honest, I've never been one of those typical girls. I never needed someone to come on their white horse to save me, I'm not damask in distress, and the only person that I ever ask to fix things mechanically is my dad. So needing closure, did I really need it. I want to think that I did or that I do, but I had gotten over it. I had forgiven. I had moved on. So now here, after all this time, here is this apology. Out of the blue. Sitting there in my text messages, just lingering. I've kept it, yes. But I haven't done much with it.  I didn't know what to respond to it, I didn't know how to respond to it.  To a person that had meant so much to me at the time, who screwed me over every chance that he got. And how I still cared for him, was still there for him when he needed me.  Did he ever really need me? Or was that all just part of his plan.  After two years, and all my time healing, here he is aid in, scratching at my wounds with his salt filled nails. Digging his way back into my life. But why?

Isn't this the opposite effect of what an apology is supposed to do? The apology is supposed to heal me, and allow me to move on. Is this just a side effect of my already "backwards" way of living?  And I know what's happening, I'm thinking way too much into this. Creating a problem that doesn't actually exist, trying to convince myself that he's changed and that everything can be better, that we can be friends. But do I really want that? I started to think that's what he wanted, and because that's what he wanted thats what I wanted, but why am I concerning myself with what he wants, when he never thought bout what I wanted...ever.

Closure I guess, isn't for everyone. It's for the ones that hold onto too tightly, it's not for the ones who have been strong enough who have been strong enough to forgive without an apology.